In September 1960, I woke up one morning with
six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket.
their father was gone. The boys ranged from three months to seven
years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a
presence they feared.
Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds. He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries. Now that he had decided to leave, there would be
no more beatings, but no food either. If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knewnothing about it. I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off
to find a job.The seven of us went to every factory, store and
restaurant in our small town. No luck.
The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried
to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would
listen that I was
willing to learn
or do anything. I had to have a job.
Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a
few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel
drive-in t hat had been converted to a truck stop.
It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.
She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at
night until seven in the morning.
She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start
that night. I raced home and called the teenager down the
street that baby-sat for people.
I bargained with her to come and sleep on my
sofa for a dollar a night.
She could arrive with her pajamas on and the
kids would already be asleep.
This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so
we made a deal. That night when the little ones and I knelt to
say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding
Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.
When I got home in the mornings I woke the
baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of
my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night.
As the weeks went by, heating bills added a
strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency
of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill
them with air on the
way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!
There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.
Had angels taken up residence in Indiana? I wondered. I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was no w working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.
Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.I found a can of red paint and started repairing
and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches
on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they
would be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig
at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the
pinball machine.
The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven
o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my
old battered Chevy was
filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.
I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled
inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat.
Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box.
Inside was whole case of little blue jeans,
sizes 2-10!
I looked inside another box: It was full of
shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes.
There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of
groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and
canned vegetables and potatoes.
There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie
filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry
supplies and cleaning
items.
And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful
little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun
slowly rose on the
most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was
sobbing with gratitude.
And I will never forget the joy on the faces of
my little ones that precious morning.
Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago
December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel
truck stop....
THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
1. "Yes!"
2. "Not yet."
3. "I have something better in mind."
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Why boys need mothers
Subject: Why Boys need Parents:
This is for those mothers of boys, sisters of boys, and boys that have grown older, and anyone else who needs a laugh.
Why boys need parents...
!
This is for those mothers of boys, sisters of boys, and boys that have grown older, and anyone else who needs a laugh.
Why boys need parents...
!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sack lunches
I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. I'm glad I have a good book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,I thought.
Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me. 'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Afghanistan.
After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time.
As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base." His friend agreed.
I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch... I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. "Take a lunch to all those soldiers." She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. "My son was a soldier in Iraq;it's almost like you are doing it for him."
Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, "Which do you like best - beef or chicken?"
"Chicken," I replied, wondering why she asked.
She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. "This is your thanks."
After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room.
A man stopped me. "I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this." He handed me twenty-five dollars.
Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, and said, "I want to shake your hand."
Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, "I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot." I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs.
A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. "It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You."
Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little...
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of "up to and including my life."
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.
May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to everyone on your email buddy list -- I JUST DID
Signed,
Proud to be an American
Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me. 'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Afghanistan.
After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time.
As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base." His friend agreed.
I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch... I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. "Take a lunch to all those soldiers." She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. "My son was a soldier in Iraq;it's almost like you are doing it for him."
Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, "Which do you like best - beef or chicken?"
"Chicken," I replied, wondering why she asked.
She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. "This is your thanks."
After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room.
A man stopped me. "I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this." He handed me twenty-five dollars.
Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, and said, "I want to shake your hand."
Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, "I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot." I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs.
A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. "It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You."
Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little...
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America' for an amount of "up to and including my life."
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.
May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to everyone on your email buddy list -- I JUST DID
Signed,
Proud to be an American
Saturday, March 21, 2009
ONLY HAVING LIVED IN ALBUQUERQUE
YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ONLY HAVING LIVED IN ALBUQUERQUE... You don't think it's weird that everybody stares at you when you walk into the Frontier.
(For you out-of-towners, it's a cafe right across from UNM)You snicker whenever someone from out of state tries to pronounce your last name.You've had a school day cancelled because there was half an inch of snow on the ground.You know what an Arroyo is.Your high school's name was a Spanish word (La Cueva, Eldorado, Sandia, Manzano...)You still call the "Flying Star" the "Double Rainbow" and it's still the best place to get dessert in the world!There is a kachina somewhere in your home or yard.You believe that bags of sand with a candle in them are perfectly acceptable Christmas decorations.You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.Most restaurants you go to begin with El or Los.You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco.You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.You price-shop for tortillas.You have an extra freezer just for green chile.You think a red light is merely a suggestion.You believe using a turn signal is a sign of weaknessYou don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.You have to sign a waiver to buy hot coffee at a drive-up window.You ran for state legislature so you can speed legally.You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.You know they don't skate at the Ice House and the Newsstand doesn't sell newspapers.You think Sadies was better when it was in the bowling alley and the Owl Bar was better before they put in the turn-off.You have used aluminum foil and duct tape to repair your air conditioner.You can't control your car on wet pavement.There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.You wish you had invested in the orange barrel business.You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a dust devil.You have been on TV more than three times telling about how your neighbor was shot or about your alien abduction.You can actually hear the Taos hum.All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in OctoberYou know Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.You are afraid to drive through Mora and Espanola.You iron your jeans to dress up.You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe, one in the legislature and the other in the state pen.You know the punch line to at least one Espanola joke.Your car is missing a fender or bumper (or a turn signal and aligned headlights).You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 a.m. because you were hungry.You know the response to the question "red or green?"You're relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer pot- holes.You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque, and know the Organ Mountains are not a phallic symbol!You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor they are going to charge you extra for international shipping.You expect to pay more if your house is made of mud.You can order your Big Mac with green chile.You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English.You associate bridges with mud, not water.You know you will run into at least three cousins whenever you shop at Wal-Mart, Sam's or Home Depot.Tumbleweeds and various cacti in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.Trailers are not referred to as trailers. They are houses. Double-wide trailers are real houses.A package of white flour tortillas is the exact same thing as a loaf of bread. You don't need to write it on your shopping list; it's a given.At any gathering, regardless of size, green chile stew, tortillas, and huge mounds of shredded cheese are mandatory.Prosperity can be readily determined by the number of horses you own.A rattlesnake is an occasional hiking hazard. No need to freak out.You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from New Mexico
(For you out-of-towners, it's a cafe right across from UNM)You snicker whenever someone from out of state tries to pronounce your last name.You've had a school day cancelled because there was half an inch of snow on the ground.You know what an Arroyo is.Your high school's name was a Spanish word (La Cueva, Eldorado, Sandia, Manzano...)You still call the "Flying Star" the "Double Rainbow" and it's still the best place to get dessert in the world!There is a kachina somewhere in your home or yard.You believe that bags of sand with a candle in them are perfectly acceptable Christmas decorations.You have license plates on your walls, but not on your car.Most restaurants you go to begin with El or Los.You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco.You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.You price-shop for tortillas.You have an extra freezer just for green chile.You think a red light is merely a suggestion.You believe using a turn signal is a sign of weaknessYou don't make eye contact with other drivers because you can't tell how well armed they are just by looking.You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.You have to sign a waiver to buy hot coffee at a drive-up window.You ran for state legislature so you can speed legally.You have read a book while driving from Albuquerque to Las Vegas.You know they don't skate at the Ice House and the Newsstand doesn't sell newspapers.You think Sadies was better when it was in the bowling alley and the Owl Bar was better before they put in the turn-off.You have used aluminum foil and duct tape to repair your air conditioner.You can't control your car on wet pavement.There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.You wish you had invested in the orange barrel business.You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a dust devil.You have been on TV more than three times telling about how your neighbor was shot or about your alien abduction.You can actually hear the Taos hum.All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in OctoberYou know Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.You are afraid to drive through Mora and Espanola.You iron your jeans to dress up.You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.Two of your cousins are in Santa Fe, one in the legislature and the other in the state pen.You know the punch line to at least one Espanola joke.Your car is missing a fender or bumper (or a turn signal and aligned headlights).You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3 a.m. because you were hungry.You know the response to the question "red or green?"You're relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer pot- holes.You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque, and know the Organ Mountains are not a phallic symbol!You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor they are going to charge you extra for international shipping.You expect to pay more if your house is made of mud.You can order your Big Mac with green chile.You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English.You associate bridges with mud, not water.You know you will run into at least three cousins whenever you shop at Wal-Mart, Sam's or Home Depot.Tumbleweeds and various cacti in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.If you travel anywhere, no matter if just to run to the gas station, you must bring along a bottle of water and some moisturizer.Trailers are not referred to as trailers. They are houses. Double-wide trailers are real houses.A package of white flour tortillas is the exact same thing as a loaf of bread. You don't need to write it on your shopping list; it's a given.At any gathering, regardless of size, green chile stew, tortillas, and huge mounds of shredded cheese are mandatory.Prosperity can be readily determined by the number of horses you own.A rattlesnake is an occasional hiking hazard. No need to freak out.You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from New Mexico
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH!
GENTLEMAN PLEASE DO NOT GET UPSET OVER THIS POST.
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF!!!!
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS
UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER!
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON
HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER!
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. S
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH!
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN WARNING:
I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!!!!!!
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!!!
DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!!!!
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE!!!!!
And last but not least:
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!
Send this to your friends and brighten their day!
1.
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF!!!!
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS
UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER!
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON
HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER!
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. S
SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH!
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN WARNING:
I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!!!!!!!!
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!!!
DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!!!!
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE!!!!!
And last but not least:
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!
Send this to your friends and brighten their day!
1.
God is neglected, the old soldier slighted.
Who are the real stars? For many years Ben Stein has written a bi-weekly column for the E! Online website called "Monday Night At Morton's. Now, Ben is terminating the column to move on to other things in his life. I think that reading his final column paean to our military is worth a few minutes of your time. ============================================= How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World? As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is "E! online FINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. But again, all things must pass, and my column for E! Online must pass. In a way, it is actually the perfect time for it to pass. Lew, whom I have known forever, was impressed that I knew so many stars at Morton's on Monday nights. He could not get over it, in fact. So, he said I should write a column about the stars I saw at Morton's and what they had to say. It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again. Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to. How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails. They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world. A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him. A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad. The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists. We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die. I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject. There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament. The policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive. The orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery. The teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children. The kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards. Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero. Last column, I told you a few of the rules I had learned to keep my sanity. Well, here is a final one to help you keep your sanity and keep you in the running for stardom: We are puny, insignificant creatures. We are not responsible for the operation of the universe, and what happens to us is not terribly important. God is real, not a fiction, and when we turn over our lives to Him, he takes far better care of us than we could ever do for ourselves. In a word, we make ourselves sane when we fire ourselves as the directors of the movie of our lives and turn the power over to Him. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin--or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them. But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality. This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human. God and the soldier all men adore in times of trouble, but no more. For when war is ended and all things righted, God is neglected, the old soldier slighted.
1.
1.
"Don't sell that cow."
I love this one, two of my great aunts were nns and helped raise my mother. Thank you Sister Josina and Sister Romalda of the Loretto Order of Nuns in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop."Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop."Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then... I will let the people out so they can visit their grandchildren!
Forget about the rude remarks
NEVER HAVE REGRETS!!!!
Think about this.
You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1.There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look
11.Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks.
If people from Poland are called Poles
If people from Poland are called Poles,
why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack?
What's a whack?
If a pig loses its voice,
is it disgruntled?
If love is blind,
why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge,
would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me. . .
They're cramming for their final exam.
why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack?
What's a whack?
If a pig loses its voice,
is it disgruntled?
If love is blind,
why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge,
would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me. . .
They're cramming for their final exam.
What a workout!
The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you."
I know that I should do it, since my body is so out of shape.
So I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.F
Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Whew! What a workout
I know that I should do it, since my body is so out of shape.
So I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:
Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.F
Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.
Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Whew! What a workout
Angel Knocking at the Door
Angel Knocking at the Door There came a frantic knock At the doctor's office door, A knock, more urgent than he had ever heard before. "Come in, Come in," the impatient doctor said, "Come in, Come in, before you wake the dead." In walked a frightened little girl, a child no more than nine, It was plain for all to see, she had troubles on her mind. "Oh doctor, I beg you, please come with me, My mother is surely dying, she's as sick as she can be." "I don't make house calls, bring your mother here," "But she's too sick, so you must come or she will die I fear." The doctor, touched by her devotion, decided he would go, She said he would be blessed, more than he could know. She led him to her house where her mother lay in bed, Her mother was so very sick she couldn't raise her head. But her eyes cried out for help and help her the doctor did, She would have died that very night had it not been for her kid. The doctor got her fever down and she lived through the night, And morning brought the doctor signs, that she would be all right. The doctor said he had to leave but would return again by two, And later he came back to check, just like he said he'd do. The mother praised the doctor for all the things he'd done, He told her she would have died, were it not for her little one. "How proud you must be of your wonderful little girl, It was her pleading that made me come, she is really quite a pearl! "But doctor, my daughter died over three years ago, is the picture on the wall of the little girl you know?" The doctors legs went limp for the picture on the wall, Was the same little girl for whom he'd made this call. The doctor stood motionless, for quite a little while, And then his solemn face, was broken by his smile. He was thinking of that frantic knock heard at his office door, And of the beautiful little angel that had walked across his floor.
1.
1.
I knew there would be no money for toys
In September 1960, I woke up one morning with
six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket.
their father was gone. The boys ranged from three months to seven
years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a
presence they feared.
Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds. He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries. Now that he had decided to leave, there would be
no more beatings, but no food either. If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knewnothing about it. I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off
to find a job.The seven of us went to every factory, store and
restaurant in our small town. No luck.
The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried
to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would
listen that I was
willing to learn
or do anything. I had to have a job.
Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a
few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel
drive-in t hat had been converted to a truck stop.
It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.
She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at
night until seven in the morning.
She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start
that night. I raced home and called the teenager down the
street that baby-sat for people.
I bargained with her to come and sleep on my
sofa for a dollar a night.
She could arrive with her pajamas on and the
kids would already be asleep.
This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so
we made a deal. That night when the little ones and I knelt to
say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding
Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.
When I got home in the mornings I woke the
baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of
my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night.
As the weeks went by, heating bills added a
strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency
of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill
them with air on the
way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!
There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.
Had angels taken up residence in Indiana? I wondered. I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was no w working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.
Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.I found a can of red paint and started repairing
and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches
on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they
would be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig
at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the
pinball machine.
The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven
o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my
old battered Chevy was
filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.
I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled
inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat.
Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box.
Inside was whole case of little blue jeans,
sizes 2-10!
I looked inside another box: It was full of
shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes.
There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of
groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and
canned vegetables and potatoes.
There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie
filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry
supplies and cleaning
items.
And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful
little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun
slowly rose on the
most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was
sobbing with gratitude.
And I will never forget the joy on the faces of
my little ones that precious morning.
Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago
December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel
truck stop....
THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
1. "Yes!"
2. "Not yet."
3. "I have something better in mind."
six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket.
their father was gone. The boys ranged from three months to seven
years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a
presence they feared.
Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds. He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries. Now that he had decided to leave, there would be
no more beatings, but no food either. If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knewnothing about it. I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off
to find a job.The seven of us went to every factory, store and
restaurant in our small town. No luck.
The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried
to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would
listen that I was
willing to learn
or do anything. I had to have a job.
Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a
few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel
drive-in t hat had been converted to a truck stop.
It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.
She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at
night until seven in the morning.
She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start
that night. I raced home and called the teenager down the
street that baby-sat for people.
I bargained with her to come and sleep on my
sofa for a dollar a night.
She could arrive with her pajamas on and the
kids would already be asleep.
This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so
we made a deal. That night when the little ones and I knelt to
say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding
Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.
When I got home in the mornings I woke the
baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of
my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night.
As the weeks went by, heating bills added a
strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency
of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill
them with air on the
way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!
There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.
Had angels taken up residence in Indiana? I wondered. I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was no w working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.
Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.I found a can of red paint and started repairing
and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches
on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they
would be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig
at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the
pinball machine.
The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven
o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my
old battered Chevy was
filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.
I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled
inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat.
Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box.
Inside was whole case of little blue jeans,
sizes 2-10!
I looked inside another box: It was full of
shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes.
There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of
groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and
canned vegetables and potatoes.
There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie
filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry
supplies and cleaning
items.
And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful
little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun
slowly rose on the
most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was
sobbing with gratitude.
And I will never forget the joy on the faces of
my little ones that precious morning.
Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago
December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel
truck stop....
THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
1. "Yes!"
2. "Not yet."
3. "I have something better in mind."
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
to those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. Andthe first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!""No Way!" "Yes way!" NOT eat the fruit!" said God. Why"
Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why
He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes
later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I
tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied: “Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said "Did not!" Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you
think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5 The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your
nursing one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes.
Nothing
will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing.
to those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. Andthe first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!""No Way!" "Yes way!" NOT eat the fruit!" said God. Why"
Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why
He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes
later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I
tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied: “Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said "Did not!" Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you
think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk
and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5 The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your
nursing one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes.
Nothing
will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing.
Don't count the years-count the memories
MOMENTS IN LIFE There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one, which has been opened for us. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. Don't count the years-count the memories...........
1.
1.
some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 6. A penny saved is a government oversight. 7. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 10. He who hesitates is probably right. 11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. Americans are getting stronger. Thirty years ago, it took two adults to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it alone. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor. You can't have everything! Where would you put it? Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. When you're swimming and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without s-x but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 21. You can't remember who sent you this list. GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER Sag, You're it. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. Kick the bucket. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. Doc Goose. Simon says something incoherent. Hide and go pee. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. Musical recliners SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
These are our rules! MEN'S RULES
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you to give them a bigger laugh.
"Adapt and overcome"
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you to give them a bigger laugh.
"Adapt and overcome"
The prayingest prayer I ever prayed
How to Pray.
"The proper way for a man to pray" said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,
"And the only proper attitude is down upon his knees"
"No, I should say the way to pray," said Reverend Dr. Wise,
"Is standing straight with out stretched arms, and rapt and upturned eyes."
"Oh! No, No, No, said Elder Snow, "Such posture is too proud,
A man should pray wish eyes fast closed and head contritely bowed"
"It seems to me his hands should be austerely clasped in front,
With both thumbs pointing toward the ground" Said Reverend Father Blunt.
"Last year I fell in Hodgkin's well headfirst "Said Cyrus Brown,
"With both my heels a sticking' up and my head a pointing down,
And I made prayer right then and there, the best I ever said,
The prayingest prayer I ever prayed, a standing on my head"
"The proper way for a man to pray" said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,
"And the only proper attitude is down upon his knees"
"No, I should say the way to pray," said Reverend Dr. Wise,
"Is standing straight with out stretched arms, and rapt and upturned eyes."
"Oh! No, No, No, said Elder Snow, "Such posture is too proud,
A man should pray wish eyes fast closed and head contritely bowed"
"It seems to me his hands should be austerely clasped in front,
With both thumbs pointing toward the ground" Said Reverend Father Blunt.
"Last year I fell in Hodgkin's well headfirst "Said Cyrus Brown,
"With both my heels a sticking' up and my head a pointing down,
And I made prayer right then and there, the best I ever said,
The prayingest prayer I ever prayed, a standing on my head"
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americ
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
All people over 25 should be dead
All people over 25 should be dead. To the survivors: According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no child proof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?
7 reasons not to mess with children
7 reasons not to mess with children.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.' The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.' A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our Brothers and Sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.' The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.' The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.' A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our Brothers and Sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.' The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.
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Happiness is a grandson, dirt and worms
I have a recording on my answering machine of my 6 year old grand son telling me thank you for something I gave him. I listen to it often. I love his little voice and his sincerity.
We spent an hour or so together digging worms to take to his garden. His mom, my lovely baby daughter, was helping me dig deep for grass and weeds, so the worms were the main attraction for him. We found bulbs sprouting, which I also gave him to plan in his garden.
Isn't it great to be with a child, teaching him the value of the earth, and enjoying the sunshine together. (Read "the rest of the tale, and run to meet the rainbows."
We spent an hour or so together digging worms to take to his garden. His mom, my lovely baby daughter, was helping me dig deep for grass and weeds, so the worms were the main attraction for him. We found bulbs sprouting, which I also gave him to plan in his garden.
Isn't it great to be with a child, teaching him the value of the earth, and enjoying the sunshine together. (Read "the rest of the tale, and run to meet the rainbows."
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